Understanding and trying to live with my past actions

by Judy
(United States)

I find it impossible to live with myself at times...one of my past dastardly deeds will pop into my mind, and all I can think is "how could I have done or said that?" It is more of what I said to everyone I have loved that I can't take back, and have to live with.

My words have caused so much hurt to those I loved the most. I would start then every evil thing I could think of to hurt would pour out of my mouth with pure hate. It could be because I hated myself so much that I wanted to hurt others, but why the ones I loved?

Even finding out of this bi-polar disorder I've has since childhood is no excuse, I know I could have made choices not to be the way I was. I have been told by my cousin it was our grandmother who made me like I am, no discipline, moving around from city to city and most of all having to live as if always putting a front on, so many lies told, as though we were living a lie.

This caused a riff between my cousin and myself, we didn't have our yearly conversation for several years, and now she doesn't bring our grandmother up anymore, not even in a harmless sense. I didn't want her talking against our "Mama" like that. I must have known all along I am only to blame for my actions. That's the hard part to live with, knowing it was me and only me to blame.

It is hard to accept being abused as a child, I don't think of myself as being a child at 13, which sounds ridiculous even to me, but in actuality I feel I was a thinking decision making adult by that age. Making decisions for myself most adults can't make, though everyone I made was a wrong one. So much for being an adult.

How am I coping with this? I try to not dwell on things I can't change, but it's hard. Try to keep myself doing something as much as possible, no matter what it is. For years I couldn't read a page in a book without thoughts of my past coming into my head, now I am able to read, watch a movie and other things that take thinking to do, not letting my mind wonder back. I can also compliment myself at times, accept my physical imperfections as just being me, not all that bad. Basically, I am hating myself less and less.

Writing out my thoughts of past and present is doing me a lot of good. As if I'm almost able to put things into perspective. Accepting myself as I am, I'm more than half way there, who would have ever thought??