Terra's Child Abuse Story

Terra from the United States writes: I didn't have a normal childhood. My mom married a man when I was a baby. They had 2 girls together...they are my half sisters. In the beginning of their marriage things were fine from what my mom told me...he was a loving man, but after he got out of dessert storm he changed completely. I can't think of any happy moments with him. He rarely told us he loved us. He was a very angry man. He was always mad at someone or something. We had to really watch what we said because we didn't know what would set him off. He always told me I was stupid. He said it more to me the any one so...if he really thinks I am stupid...I must be after all. His anger was out of control. He never broke our bones...we never ended up in the hospital because of him, but he did some times leave a bruise. He emotionally broke me more then anything. Everything I did was wrong...everything he did was right. We were constantly afraid. Anyway...when I was 9 years old my mother and him divorced. It was VERY tragic for me! I remember it like it was yesterday. He brought us in their bedroom and asked us if we would like to go on a trip to Texas. I KNEW what that meant...It broke my heart. He took us away from our mother. I wanted sooo badly to stay with her. I didn't want to go with him...I was scared, but we had no choice. I can't explain the pain that I was feeling at the time. I was so heart broken. I didn't understand why my mother didn't stand up and say...NO! They are staying with me. I know now the reason why she didn't do anything...she was scared because he threatened her. Told her she would never see us again if she didn't sign us over to him. When we got to Texas he told us he would be a better man...he won't hit us or anything. Well...that changed real quick. He got married again..and went right back to his old self. He made us call his new wife "mother" It was very uncomfortable for me because I had only 1 mother. I didn't love this woman like I loved my real mom. I am going to make this as short as I can because it's a long story. So...I am leaving out a lot of details. He brain washed us...told us that our mother wasn't a good mom...if she was she would call you and want to be with you. The truth was....she tried calling us...she wanted to be with us more then anything, but he was keeping her from us! He wouldn't allow us to answer the phone and he some times took the phone off the hook so she wouldn't be able to call us. We got to talk to her SOMETIMES. When HE said it was ok. And we only got to visit her only twice or so. It was so hard living with him. I hated him for all he was doing to us. I've tried getting social services on him many times, but they never did any thing. Texas laws are dumb. His punishments were ridicules. I remember a time when he got angry because some one overflowed the toilet. He blamed it on me of course. I was the blame for most things. He made me get on my knees in the bathroom by the toilet and had me stick my bare hands in the toilet bowl and dig out all the junk. It was disgusting. He couldn't stand me making mistakes. He told me to make his coffee one morning and didn't really know a lot about making coffee. I accidentally spilled the HOT water all over me and he came stomping in there...pushed me out of the way and did it himself. It was a mistake! He shouldn't have let me try in the first place! He hurt us a lot and in many ways...I won't get into a lot of it because there is SOO much I could tell. I've ran away...he has slapped me, kicked me, and ignored me. Well anyway...when I was 12 years old he told me I was leaving and going to Colorado to live with my mother. It was the most exciting news ever! I was getting out of that hellhole! The sad thing was...my sisters couldn't come with me. So...It was awesome to be freed from anger, yelling, screaming, and tortured. I was very happy to be with my mother FINALLY. I was free! That would change though. She was dating another man now. One day I wanted to ask him a question...I didn't really know how to talk to a man and I didn't want to tell my mother because it was embarrassing for me. I wanted to know about homosexuality. He took that the wrong way I suppose and started acting very different after that night. He began telling me things about sex...orgasms...the penis..the vagina. It was very strange! But I thought he was just telling me these things. Didn't think any thing of it. Then one day he told me he was going to buy porn so he could show me some things. Well anyway...I was talking on the phone with a friend while the porn movie was going...then he looked at me and asked if he could masterbate..I just kinda shook my head and turned the other way....then after some mins he took my hand and told me it's ok...put it on his penis and told me to just go up and down. He was moaning and ugh...then he orgasamed...gosh....ugh...anyway... This became a routine...every time my mom was gone to DJ he would pop in porn...make me give him oral...and then give me oral...and some times he would massage me. I remember this like it was yesterday...He got totally naked...got me naked and started kissing me on the lips....kissing me and licking me everywhere on my body. I felt so sick! He was playing with my boobs...tounge kissing me...and then he went down on me. It was so gross! I can still smell his breath...smelt like an ash tray....I can feel his heart pounding on my chest as he lay on top of me. Anyway...this went on for about 3 years. He took my virginity. I remember the look in his eyes...the satisfaction...the lust. It hurt, but he was enjoying it. After he orgasamed INSIDE of me and on me...he sighed and said "how was that??" UGH!! Well...anyway...when I was 15...I had about all I could take. He was getting worse with it and I had to tell my mother the truth. We went for a ride in her jeep...I told her what he was doing and she hugged me...took me to my friends and had a talk with him. So yea...he admitted after a day and he loaded a gun and was gonna kill himself, but the police came and got him before he could do anything. I was so broke...I felt like a whore...I felt dirty and ashamed...I was always angry and getting into trouble. I was smoking ciggs and drinking. I didn't know why so much bad things happen. I hated myself and wanted to be dead. A lot of other bad things happened, but I won't get into it...it's very long and I am tired now. Thanks for reading my story.

Terra,

Thanks for sharing your story! I know this can be a draining experience, but it is worth it in the long run! Your feelings and story are important and thanks for taking the time to share this with others.

Okay, lets first talk about your step-father. The fact that your step-father changed after desert storm is not uncommon. He was probably suffering from Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD), a common mental health disorder diagnosed to survivors who witnessed traumatic events in their life.

Your step-father probably participated in horrible things and/or witnesses unimaginable events that are determential to the human psyche. However, that is not an excuse for his violent behavior toward you; I just want you to be aware that you were not the cause of his anger and violence. Unfortunately, he didn’t know how to handle the side effects of experiencing a violent, cruel place, and instead of doing something about this, he took it out on you.

Now, unfortunately, you are also dealing with the effects of anger and violence left over from dealing with your step-father (i.e., “feeling stupid and at fault for your step-father’s behavior-having low self-worth-negative self-talk and negative persona about yourself.) However, this can be dealt with in an appropriate, healthy manner. You do not have to be a victim of your step-father’s raging “madness!” You can change the way you feel about yourself; you do have control over that! Do read my free e-book ”Healing from Your Child Abuse Story Once and For All!” to help you overcome the effects of child abuse.

On another note, isn’t it frustrating when your own mother chooses “inappropriate” men, continuously! From my own personal experience, I’ve learned to “learn” from my own mother’s mistakes when it comes to choosing men! I have been very picky with the men that I have dated and have been very cautious about their personalities, habits, and relationships. And do not, I repeat Do Not get into a relationship out of insecurity (fear of loneliness, fear of boredom, etc.)! This is a disaster waiting to happen-as it appears to be in your mother’s choices!

In terms of social services….although social services has helped many abused children find better homes, sometimes they remind me of animal humane shelters! For example, animal humane shelters often have hope to rescue as many “stray, abused” animals as possible, but many times there are too many animals to rescue-so they “kill” them. The same thing applies to foster kids-not that social services kills anyone-but they often “kill” the joy and love of children by putting them in foster care systems that can sometimes be just as abusive as their previous home-or worse! I’m kind of passionately rambling by giving you my own opinion on the system, but do you see where I’m going with this?

That’s why it’s so important to educate yourself on building self-esteem and being your own best friend-especially in abusive situations. Asking for help is one thing, but depending on others to be your savior is another! You have to be your own savior by trusting yourself first; after you trust yourself first, you’ll be “inspirationally” guided to the right people to help you!

Now for the sexual abuse part… I am so glad that you took action by telling your mother about the sexual abuse! I am very proud of you for being able to do that! I know how hard that is! It’s such a “gross,” shameful feeling to be violated by someone who has no respect for your own personal boundaries. It’s such a selfish act! The perpetrator is only thinking about his or her own pleasures, not the effects this is causing on the other person.

You said at the end of the your story,

….“I was so broke...I felt like a whore...I felt dirty and ashamed...I was always angry and getting into trouble. I was smoking ciggs and drinking. I didn't know why so much bad things happen. I hated myself and wanted to be dead…”

I can understand why you have felt this way. I do hope, however, that you are working through these feelings and replacing them with feelings of peace and love for yourself. Continue to vent your frustrations until you are done. Journal, Journal, and Journal some more until you are tired of writing. Replace ciggs and drinking with healthier activities. You are a beautiful person and you were created for something wonderful! Don’t give up and trust that you will gain freedom and insight from your “bad experiences.”

With Love,

If you would like to comment on Terra's story, please post your comment below and I will post the comment on her page. Only encouraging, inspiring, and "been there-understanding" messages are accepted.

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