Shawie's Child Abuse Story

Hello everyone,

My abuse started when my dad left my mother at 7 months pregnant. I sometimes think she tried to kill me as a baby. My abuse was physical, mental and verbal. I would hear everyday of my life, “I should have had an abortion with you, and I regret the second and hour you were conceived.” I remember I always peed the bed and was depressed.

I have also been diagnosed with Posttraumatic Stress Disorder and Borderline Personality Disorder. I have 2 children, one with a severe disability. I have never found any man to love except for the countless abusive relationships and substance abuse issues.

I am so depressed; I drink sometimes to not feel the pain. My house is a mess; I get so depressed I lay in bed all day if I don’t have go out. My mother hated me and blamed me for everything wrong in her life. Everyday was torture!

She would wake my brother and I up 3 or 4 in the morning, throwing all the cloths out the draw, yelling, “Wake up!” Clean up this MF room. I can’t remember most of my childhood, only that I wished I was dead everyday.

I struggle loving and respecting myself. I remember once I went to the store, I must have been 11 or 12, as I went in, a man snatched a gold rope chain off my neck my mom let me wear. My mother loved jewelry and her father gave this to her; I can’t remember much just blows everywhere on my body and her cussing at me. As we drove by a park on the way home, my mom yelled," the guy should have raped and F you and left the chain!"

My mother locked the food in the pantry away from me and my brother. We would sneak the key to get food out. She would leave beans and bread for us or sometimes bread when she went to work.

I struggle with any intimate relationship with people and I don’t socialize with my family. My mother, I guess, did the best she could with what she had; she was abused too. I have been in therapy for years and on some anti-depressant of some kind. I battle with depression so badly and have tried to commit suicide at the age of 10 or 11, I not sure of dates or ages. I feel broken, sad and hopeless at times. I could not understand why God would let abuse happen to children. I wish I could be free from this sad existence. Abuse ruins lives and breaks young children into little pieces.