Understanding Sexual Abuse Effects..

Step 3-D from "Healing from Your Child Abuse Story Once and For All!"

Sexual Abuse Effects Guide #1: Understanding the Differences b/w Molestation and Curiosity.

First of all, it’s important to become aware of whether or not you were sexually abused as a child. So..here is the rule of thumb to follow when discovering whether you were sexually abused or if it was curiosity; based on my own personal and professional opinion…

I believe that children are unaware of inappropriate and appropriate sexual boundaries under the age of 14 or until a parent explains the differences. Often times, however, a child will need to question those boundaries through experience and exploration. Fortunately, it’s instilled deep inside of us what feels right and wrong. So, in turn, when a person explores and discovers it doesn’t feel right, the exploration will typically stop.

However, if a child’s boundaries are violated by an adult, the child will feel confused about what's right and wrong. Thus, the child will continue to practice this confusion with younger or same aged children (many times occurring into adulthood) until he or she is either stopped or has consequences for his or her actions.

Deep down the abuser (...who once was that child who was confused..) knows it’s wrong, but his or her experience doesn’t reflect that. Unfortunately, the abuser has learned that it’s okay to violate another person’s personal space for their own sexual gratification because he or she was never stopped. That's why it's so important to trust yourself when something doesn't feel right so you can be the person to stop the abuser's inappropriate behavior.

Overall, when understanding the sexual abuse effects of whether you were abused or if it was curiosity follow these guidelines..

1. When you've been sexually abused, your personal space and rights are violated once or repeatedly by someone who doesn't respect your need for privacy or sexual maturity.
2. If you are made to feel guilty, forced or at fault for the sexual inappropriateness, then it is abuse.
3. Click here for more symptoms of sexual abuse effects.
4. If you are curious about sex, you and the other person are typically around the same age and you are never forced to do anything that makes you feel uncomfortable.
5. If you have been sexually abused, think of the abuser as a child who was confused about what's wrong and right about sex. Be the person to teach this abuser what is wrong and right.

   You will know the difference between what's wrong and right by trusting yourself; your intuition will never let you down! Put an end to your abuser's behavior as soon as possible; work past that fear of what will happen if you tell. You will be so proud of yourself when you tell someone.

   Tell, tell, and tell some more until you come across someone who will help you. It's not okay for the abuser to continue to hurt you! Telling someone will be the most loving thing you could do for yourself and for the abuser.

Sexual Abuse Effects Guide #2: Understanding Why Your Mother Didn't Believe You?

This sexual abuse effects guideline comes up frequently during therapy. Many of my clients hold a lot of anger and resentment toward his or her mother for not believing that the sexual abuse was occurring.

The reason that many mothers tend to disregard the abuse is because she is often in denial that her significant other could possibly be responsible for sexually abusing her child. It may also be due to the mother's own insecurities such as afraid of being alone, afraid of raising a child on her own, or whatever else she fears.

I know this is hard to believe and often very difficult to take in, but it's very important for your healing and well-being to learn to not let your mother's insecurities, wrong choices, and denial get in the way of your recovery.

Learn to separate yourself from your mother and make better decisions for yourself and for your current or future children. Of course, as I mentioned in Step 2, feel your emotions and allow yourself to ventilate in a healthy manner about this situation, but choose a time and place when you'll let your anger and resentment go!

Decide whether or not you want to continue this relationship with your mother; and if you choose to stay connected, it will be best to discuss your feelings, set boundaries, and forgive her. If you decide to end the relationship with your mother, allow yourself to go your separate ways, but do choose to forgive her mistakes so you will no longer have a burden on your shoulders. Being angry will not punish her in anyway; it will only hurt you!

Sexual Abuse Effects Guide #3: Understanding Why You Have a Fear of Sexually Abusing Others!

Don't worry, this sexual abuse effects fear is very common among individuals who have been sexually abused as a child. Why? Well..as I said above..

Before you get paranoid..I'm not saying that you will go out and abuse someone; I'm saying that although you have managed to not cross those inappropriate boundaries "physically," you still have the confusion going on in your head, which results in the fear that you may sexually abuse someone.

The way you can get past this fear is by practicing positive self-talk and here's how you do that..

1. Tell yourself that this is a past thought and that you will no longer allow it to take root in your life.
2. Tell yourself that you are not an abuser and you will never be. Also tell yourself that you can trust yourself around children. You are a loving and respectful person. You will never cross inappropriate boundaries (i.e., you know how it feels to be abused and you would never inflict this on anyone else!)

Sexual Abuse Effects Guide #4: Understanding Why You Continually Find Yourself in Sexually Abusive Situations!

Many times an individual who was sexually abused as a child will find himself or herself in a very familiar situation with more than one abuser; that is, he or she will have the experience of being sexually abused at a young age by a family member and then he or she will be abused by a stranger or an acquaintance and even marry a spouse who sexually abuses the individual; thus, creating a ripple effect of distrust, disappointment, and sadness.

It's important to understand the differences between why one individual may find himself or herself in abusive situations whereas others will not. However, please don't start blaming yourself or hold yourself hostage for a day or week of punishment, which ironically is the core reason for attracting disrespectful people in the first place (which I'll explain below); just understand that the reason I'm bringing this up is to not point fingers or hold you at fault, but to help you understand how to start attracting respectful people into your life.

Those who find themselves in multiple encounters with abusers do so because he or she does not respect oneself enough to trust his or her instincts; that is, he or she has never understood their own worth as a unique, lovable person.

Thus, this person will continually attract people who take her or him for granted because this is what he or she is use to. "Oh, why fight it, I'm always getting taken for granted. I don't have the right to ask for more. I don't have the courage to fight back. I must deserve this!" Unfortunately, this mentality attracts victim-mentality and you receive what your mind focuses on.

If you haven't read the book "The Secret", I highly recommend it. It teaches you how to change your mindset from attracting unhappiness and lack to abundance and joy. I watched the movie twice and follow the steps very closely. This resource will help the sexual abuse effects of attracting abusive people into your life (not just sexual abuse, but physical-verbal-emotional abuse as well).

Sexual Abuse Effects Guide #5: How to Enjoy Your Current Sex Life with Your Partner:

Sometimes sexual abuse effects can interfere with your sex life. Here are some tips to follow for enjoying your sex life after sexual abuse..

1. Take your time and do not pressure yourself..

   If you're not ready to have sex, honor yourself and don't have sex until you are ready. If your significant other or spouse is inpatient with your pace, make sure you explain to them that you are respectful of their need for sex, but that you need them to wait until you're ready in order for sex to be enjoyable for you and your significant other.

2. Only allow yourself to be with a partner that is respectful of your past and your feelings

   If your significant other doesn't respect your past or feelings, it's time to reevaluate this relationship. Loving someone says.."I value you and respect your wishes." Not loving someone says.."I don't care about your needs; what about my needs?"

3. Face your past and deal with the effects outside of the bedroom..

   Following these e-book steps is a great way to deal with the sexual abuse effects outside of the bedroom. You will know when the abuse doesn't effect you anymore when you can have sex and enjoy it.

4. Take baby steps into enjoying sex again with positive conditioning.

   A great way to deal with sexual abuse effects is to learn how to associate sex with positive feelings instead of negative, hurtful feelings. The more you allow yourself the chance to view sex as a painful experience, the harder it will be for you to enjoy the true pleasures of sex.

   The way you start enjoying sex is by talking positive to yourself during the moments you feel bad. For example, when you're having sex and all you can think about are the times when you were abused, replace that thought with, "I am comfortable with sex and sex with my partner is okay and healthy. I am at ease when I am having sex with my partner." Do not allow yourself to go back to the abuse when you’re having sex. Learn to focus on the here and now.

Step 3-E:Understanding an Alcoholic, Neglectful, and/or Mentally Ill Parent
Step 3-F: Letting Go of Your Need For Approval

Return from Sexual Abuse Effects to the Beginning of the Child Abuse E-book