Robin, 29 USA

by Robin
(Youngstown, OH USA)

I remember as early as 4 years old being beaten up by my mother. My sister, who is 28 now, were close as little kids. We would get into so much trouble.

One night she and I got into an old chimney thing and had soot all over us. My mom was so mad that she got out my fathers belt and beat us both. She beat my sister so bad she had the metal mark from the belt embedded in her skin. That's a sight I never forgotten.

My mom would throw food at us if we didn't like what she made. As I got older, things became worse. I've been beaten with flyswatters, phones, belts, and broom sticks.

One time she even raked my back with a rake. She would take my dad's belt and beat me in the face. Finally, one day I worked up the nerve and hit her back. I know I shouldn't have, but she made me feel like I had no other choice. I was 15 then. When I was 16, I got into a bad car wreck. After I came home from the hospital, she wanted me to cut grass. I was lucky I could walk!! I told her no that I was going to lay down. She proceeded to kick my legs out from under me. Then while I was down, she kept kicking me over and over again until I was able to crawl to my room and lock it.

The final straw came when I was 17. I was on the phone and apparently she didn't like what I was talking about (wanting to move out). So she ripped the phone out of the wall and beat me with it. Then as I was running, she threw my sister's shoe at me. I wound up tripping and she came over and beat me repeatedly in the head with the shoe. I got out from under her and ran towards the stairs. She grabbed the broom and kept hitting me with it. After that she grabbed my by my throat and tried to choke me against the wall. I pushed her off me and went to get my dad. All my dad said was that I need to leave. That I'm not welcome in his home anymore.

So, my friends mom knew of prior beatings and I told her if I ever call you to call the police, I need her to do that. So, I went back home and called her and she called the cops. My mom went to jail that night. I was still not allowed to go home.

When we went to court the judge wanted to put her in jail. I told the judge that she needs help. My dad refused to pay to help her. So she was mandated to 8 weeks anger-management. What little it did.

Sometimes I wish I could say my mom is an alcoholic. Sometimes I wish I could say it was drugs. I got the bitter end of her manic depression (bi-polar). She still lies to and manipulates my dad.

During her treatment she beat one of my other sister's friends with a rolled up newspaper and beat her so hard, she wound up mildly unconscious.

Me and my mother have a horrible relationship. My dad wouldn't talk to me for 10 years. My mom told him that I tried to kill her when I pushed her off me when she was chocking me. I did no such thing. But he believes her. My youngest sister was 9 at the time and saw the whole thing. She told my dad what happened and he refuses to believe my sister.

So, now I'm 29 with two beautiful girls of my own. I give them all the love I have. I know what its like to not have any from your mother.

I still carry a lot of hate and anger towards her. I feel that she robbed me of a positive childhood. Even when I did good she still continued to find fault in it. She was never happy with anything I did. She used to make fun of me in front of my friends. Put me down anytime she could. I suffered through physical, mental, and verbal abuse. I feel I have very low self-esteem. I've thought about suicide countless times as a child.

I eventually started smoking marijuana when I was 13. I quit when I was 17 and my dad found out. I tried to tell him what she does to me and he said I deserved everything I got. I know I wasn't the best child and I probably did deserve some of what I got, but certainly not all of it.

Now I'm at the point where I don't know what to do. I went back to school. I get really good grades (I carry a 3.7 GPA right now), but I feel that it's still not good enough. I've had many relationships and they all fail. I've been beaten and raped by my ex-boyfriend. I want off this ride and on a different track. But, I don't know where to start.

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