Rachel, 31, England

by Rachel Ofili
(London, England)

Years passed and the same relationship with my mum continued, cold, not loved, putting me down until i was totally and absolutely afraid of her, i was the oldest out of 5 kids and i felt like i could never do anything right, i became jealous of my sister because she did everything right and i got blamed for a lot of things even though i was a pretty good child.

I got teased throughout primary school and high school and i had know one to tell, i had to deal with everything myself, but i still preferred to be at school because it was an escape for me.

The thing about this is that my step dad was good to me and he was always nice and never hit us as much as my mum. He favored me more, i thought it was because that was how a father was suppose to be. I was wrong. I was 12 years old when it started.

One day i came home from school. I was in my room when my step dad came in to my room and told me to come and see him when i finish my homework. After a few minutes i went into his study and he told me to sit down. He smiled at me and started to tell me that i have grown. He then told me to come and sit on his lap. I did so as i didn't think nothing of it. When i sat down he started to touch my breasts, i felt so sick with fear because i was shocked at the same time.

This was someone i trusted, someone i looked up to as my father and he was doing this to me. He then told me that my body was changing and that i was ready to be a woman, he started to feel his way into my private area I told him that i did not like it and begged him to stop.

This continued for a few more days. He was doing things to me that only adults were allowed to do. It then got worse, if my mum went out and it was just me and him in the house he would try it again, he would deliberately do things so that we were left alone and it scared the hell out of me.

Eventually the worst happened. One night i woke up to find him on top of me naked. I was so scared. Every night he came to rape me for two years, he convinced me that my mum would beat me and tell me that it was my fault if i should tell her. One day one of my aunts noticed the way i looked and my continued silence. She felt something was wrong and she thought to bring it out in front of my mother.

She asked me if there was something wrong and that it was ok to tell her. She was my favorite aunt she always stuck up for me and made me feel safe.

At first i was scared to say anything because my mum was staring at me in an uncomfortable way and shaking her legs, reminding myself what my father told me that my mum would not believe me and that she would beat me, but when i saw the care in my aunt's eye and concern and my mum was with her I thought that maybe my mum would believe me, maybe my aunt had convinced her to love me. That's when i let go and was about to say it, the big secret when... a big slap came across my face.

My mum slapped me and i dont know why. My aunt asked my mum why she did that but my mum never answered her, so my aunt took me out to her car with me crying and decided to ask me privately herself, she asked me if anyone in the house was doing things to me.

I told her NO. The slap shook me up and that's when i knew that my mother knew, she had slapped me to keep me quiet so i promised never again to tell anyone.

I was 14 years old. At high school i noticed one of my friends was crying in the girls locker room, she was always quiet. I went up to her to see what was wrong. I noticed the signs straight away, it was like looking at a mirror of myself. That's when i asked her if anyone was hurting her at home, she told me her father was. That day i helped save a young teenager like myself from continued life of abuse. She was put into care and the next time i saw her in school she was no longer the quiet girl anymore, it was like she was free.

I wanted to be free. Two weeks after that i told my teacher at school. She informed the police who came to take me to the station for a statement. I was terrified because i knew my life would never be the same. I waited for my mum to come to the station. They video taped me. My mum was watching from another room as i let out the family secret.

Then when i was finished talking she came up to me and asked me if it was true, i told her it was true what her husband did to me, she told me i was lying and said to me that i must come back home and apologize to him.

Tears came out of my eyes because for one second i thought she might actually believe me and hug me and tell me it was going to be ok. But i was wrong. I told her i cannot come back because i never did anything wrong that it was her husband that did wrong. She looked at me and said I was no longer her daughter and that she was disowning me. She took her bags and left me there at the police station, i begged her to come back fighting tears, that i didn't know anyone, she left me there in the hands of strangers to go save her marriage.

I never saw my mum again for two years after that.

I had gone through a lot since that incident.It was the whole family that was against me, they tried to put me down and say things about me to hurt me, i used that as power to one day prove to them that i was going to be better than they expected, and that is exactly what i did. I went to university and graduated with a bachelors degree, i write and sing and use this as a way to help my feelings and get over my past.

My past has made me a stronger person and has left a wanting and need to help others in the same situation in anyway i can. There is so much more to say but a thousand words is not enough.

I want to one day turn this into a book that will motivate others and give them the strength to be the legend that God had put them on this earth to be. I am ready to tell the world my story.