Paul-37-USA

by Paul M
(Boston)

My father was both physically and emotionally abusive. I can not actually remember how old I was when it started, maybe younger than I can remember.

He was a real mean and nasty man. His unpredictable explosiveness made it difficult to know when or where it was going to come out.

I have a sister that is 6 yrs younger than me who for whatever reason he left alone physically and emotionally. (I know it effected her though). The abuse was directed toward me and my mother.

He would hit me in the back of the head everynight, and when he did it he would say, "That is for what you did wrong and I didn't catch you".

He would call me any name you could think of in the book like stupid, moron, useless, idiot; that is just to name a few and to keep it clean.

He was not physically abusive to my mother until later in my life. The emotional abuse that came at her was as nasty if not more nasty and mean spirited as it was toward me.

His ugliness was noticed by more than just the people inside my own house, other friends and family saw it to, but I don't think they knew the extent that it went to in private.

My mother was not an emotionally strong person. She couldn't nor did she ever stand up to him for his bullying toward her or me. There were times after he would give me a beating that my mother would try and console me, but he would tell her to leave me alone and not go near me.

After a while I learned not to cry no matter how hard he hit me or hit me with (hands, boots, belt, and just about anything he could find) at the time because he would tell me if I kept crying he would keep going.

I could go on and on about how bad it was, but I would like to get to how it has effected my life now.

I want to include this next part of my story so that other people reading it may be able to feel like they are not alone in the world where child abuse has effected their life in the present.

I am married to the best woman a man could have and we have two great kids. A few years ago I had a sort of mental breakdown. Through a couple years of working with a phychologist he has helped me realize that even though I thought I moved on from it, I didnt. I just tucked it away inside.

I now understand that I have never learned to love myself. It is extremely hard to get rid of those words my father put in my head. They have left me feeling like I am a bad person. I am learning that I AM NOT!

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Paul,

Boy, did you hit the nail right on the head. I know there are several people who can relate to your story as well as relating to the after effects of witnessing or experiencing child abuse (or trauma of any kind for that matter).

What often happens after someone has been severely abused is he or she will experience symptoms of Posttraumatic stress disorder (PTSD). As a matter of fact, many people know of this disorder as a soldier disorder--what soldiers are diagnosed with after they have experienced trauma during a war.

The recurrent thoughts that you have of your dad's negative "opinions" about you is a PTSD symptom. This is something that can take a long time to heal from, but you can definitely heal and "learn" to love yourself again. Negative, critical thoughts will eat at you if you let them, but you can change that..as you are discovering! (I'll have an e-book on how to do that coming out soon!)

Another common side effect of PTSD is the "feeling of being unable to have loving feelings" toward yourself or others. There is also a feeling of being "detached and estranged" from others as well. Also, avoiding discussing the traumatic event in any shape or form is a PTSD symptom as well, which you and your psychologist have uncovered!

I commend you for seeking help! Hang in there, Paul, and you will overcome your negative past one step at a time. And by the way, you are proof that you can have a wonderful relationship with a significant other and a great family life even when you've experienced child abuse.

With love,







Brandy Shirley, M.A.