May, 23, United States

by May
(IL, USA)

I don't so much have a question in itself except how to find peace amongst the trials. And where does it begin for me... well that goes back almost 5 years to a time when the woman I am today was someone completely different.

I met Rick at a club and although I thought he was extremely good looking, there wasn't any connection. No halo of light shining upon him... no just the lights of the club & the bass drowning out the little voice saying "What ARE you doing?". I gave Rick my number after a few dances, because in all honestly what else are you supposed to do after flirting with a guy at the bar?

So fast forward less than a year & I find myself in the parking lot of a local restaurant with Rick haphazardly asking me THE question. Now this certainly wasn't what I expected my proposal to be. Me @ 18 w/a 21 year old doofus giving me some ring that made the Cracker Jack one look like something from Tiffany's.

I faked a few tears & figured that this was one brass ring (figuratively not literally) that I needed to grasp. So fanning myself & acting like a Miss America queen I stupidly accepted his proposal.

We eloped a few months later. Me, in a cute dress with cramps so badly I threw up in the bathroom of the courthouse before our time, & Rick unshaven, piercings in & an attitude to boot. We were children playing "Make Believe".. except this time it was real. I don't remember saying the "I do" but I must've because an hour later we were sitting in traffic as Mr & Mrs. arguing about whether it was a left or right at the next light. And so it began.

We went back to our lives as college students & didn't tell a soul. It was our little secret that binded us together. Not love, not friendship, not what we wanted. And now we found ourselves in more trouble than we knew how to deal with.

The truth finally broke. First to his family (a week later) & then to mine (almost 2 YEARS later). We shocked them all, we shamed ourselves & quite frankly we lost the trust we had worked so hard to gain & quite frankly probably never got back. But over time our parents accepted it (or maybe "put up with" is a better expression). We finally moved in together. Rick wanted nothing but independence & me well... I just wanted Rick.

It was hell. I had given up my identity, my virginity, my friends, my education... everything for the man who I thought would be there holding my hand from the day we eloped through the day we sat in matching rockers at the retirement home. Yeah... dream on May! He began calling me every term in the book, making me feel like hell, accusing me of cheating... the works. I fell into a pit & there wasn't anyone to catch me.

Thank God I had family & friends who I hadn't ignored (or maybe they had forgiven me). I finally moved out (to which I'm sure Rick rejoiced & celebrated for days) & I found myself finally divorcing Rick & moving on.

Or have I? Certainly there has to be a happy ending right? Well I hope so.

Earlier this year I met Scott who completely has changed my life around. Something is different about him from any of the men I've dated & certainly he's the complete opposite of Rick. He's kind, he's polite, he's funny & most of all he loves me.

The problem is that since I realized I was in love with him I've been scared. I keep wondering when the world will once again deny me of my hopes & make me realize what I fool I am to believe in something that's not there & never was.

But what if something truly IS there with Scott & I and the ghost of Rick is haunting my every move? Why can't I move on from the past relationship & give Scott a chance!? We've been together over a half a year now & why am I still feeling so nervous as that in any moment he may leave me.

Do dreams still exist or is it nothing but wishful thinking? And there has to be a reason now that all the emotion is finally coming about. I've cried more with Scott than with anyone & shared the most intimate details of that past relationship. I fear I'll scare him away with all this. But the truth is that I want with him what I wish could've happened before. I have become a better person not because of him or because I was nothing without him, but rather because I WANT to become all I can for myself to grow. And hopefully Scott will be the one I grow with. If only I could believe this to be true.