Lianna, U.S.A

This is my story and it's still going on.

My name is Lianna, and I've just turned 13. I'm sorry I had to lie about my age but I want my story to be posted.

I do not 100% know whether this is child abuse but I'd appreciate it if you'd read this.

My birthday was September 9th but my mother doesn't bother to remember that. My dad calls me stupid and compares me with people I don't know a lot. They still do. I feel like I want to cry but they're coming back to check up on me in a few minutes.

Anyways, since as long as I can remember, my dad's been hitting me and stuff but that's been getting more aggressive. For example, during the summer last year, my dad got pissed telling me to go brush my teeth, and my little sister called me a bitch (which annoys me so); I think my dad thought I called him that, so he got up and grabbed my shoulders, throwing me on the floor, he punched me and hit me so many times, I had bruises on my face, arms, legs, and I think on my backside too. He also kept mentioning that he's step on my face while I was down. I didn't cry, but I felt like I SHOULD'VE so I willed my tears to start working and yelled out for help. My aunt finally came a few long minutes later. She helped me put ointment all over my bruises but told me to never tell anyone or my dad would get in trouble.

Everyone in that house heard me crash into the wall then fall onto the floor that night from when my dad threw me at the wooden floor, even the cousins and grandmother (who is short of hearing) who were sleeping upstairs.

My cousin who was awake next door heard him but was too afraid to come in and do anything. I don't blame her, I would've done the same too,I guess. The bruises looked even more gruesome the next day. I still remember them. He hit me so hard, I got a nose bleed, and I wasn't allowed outside for a couple of days. But the worse thing about that was that he was all happy and pretended like nothing happened the next day and so on. We were going to New York that summer because he said he wanted me to enjoy myself and have a good time...

I remembered that in the past, he was feeding me chinese styled chicken soup in a bowl through a straw. I had a big mouthful of the soup and knew I couldn't swallow it fast enough or spit it back into the bowl through the straw because I didn't want my grandpa to drink it with my saliva in it (he always ate/drank the children's leftovers for some reason), I think I waited too long and sneezed. I think I sprayed the soup all over his face.

I was happy for a small moment but then fear took over me as he was wiping his face with his palm, then used the same palm to slap me in the face, making me fall over and scrape my hands and knees. Then he threw the bowl at the ground and came over but luckily, my mom opened the door to find out what the commotion was about and saw my dad stepping on my leg, making me cry out in pain. I remembered I kept telling them that I had to sneeze. I was only three at that time.

My dad hurts my little sister a lot now. I'd try to defend her but he keeps going to the gym to get stronger or something. To be honest, my little sister annoys me so much but even though she's annoying, it's still hard to see him beating her like she's nothing. She's only 5 turning 6 in a few days.

I don't like either of my parents and I've told some teachers in my Elementary school that my parents didn't love me. Of course, they reported it but my mom somehow got out of that situation.

I'm afraid to report them now. Both my little sister and I fear our dad a lot; our mom, not so much... And we are in the depression at the moment.

If I report my family, me and my sister would probably be sent to foster care and I probably wouldn't have access to the internet like this in case I want to report something because I've read that you CAN get abused in foster care.

My grades in school are very poor due to me being lazy sometimes because I want to spend as much time as I can with my online friends. I hardly have any friends in middle school, I tend to shy away from people, so I get labeled as "the loner" sometimes.

The only reason I go home, is to go to escape from life on the internet. I do that because I've considered suicide a couple of times when things got really bad. I feel very sad....

I bear no grudges but I do feel a lot of self-pity...is that wrong? The more I stay in this house, the more I'm disliking everyone in it. My "parents", grandparents, and my annoying little sister.

I moved into my cousin's house twice, the first time my dad got pissed at me for asking my mom where my shoes were because I was going to my cousin's house for a buffet or something but my other cousins had to be conveniently kicked out of their apartment a few days later; the second time, I moved because I realized I didn't like living there, and I got kicked out because my uncle and aunt were getting fed up with having me there. I'm the black sheep of the family, so they hated me before that. I don't blame them. A lot of people seem to hate me.

The sad thing is, I'm chinese, and child abuse happens to be common in China so I think this abusive behavior might last for a while.

I don't hate my parents, my mom does what she can to help but my dad has anger management issues, or at least that what I suspect.

My dad still calls me "stupid" and stuff while my mom secretly wishes we were never born. I know because one time when she was taking us to the mall, she forgot her money at home and blamed it on us and started saying we were "bad children" and "this happened all because of you".

I feel like a failure at a lot of the time and I hardly feel like I'm loved...well...I never feel like I'm loved anymore.

Haha, what am I doing? I started crying now...

Well I thank you for reading all of this, and I apologize for not being able to make it any shorter. There's more to tell but I think I'll end it here.

I'm not looking to hold grudges against them. I'm simply looking for peace and hopefully someone who loves me. Is it wrong to feel that way?