keith robinson age54 us
My wife and I have split up after 14ys of marriage. She feels we don't talk about things that are bothering her, plus there's a trust issue because she feels that I lied to her about something that happened before we were married. She now thinks that I've lied to her about out whole marriage. How do I convince her that's not true?
Hi Keith,
Well, if you are serious about "convincing her that all of her fears are not true," then you have a lot of work to do. If you want your wife back, this is what you can do..
1.) Start off by asking her to meet with you at your home. Have dinner made, candles lit, and a letter prepared.
2.) In this letter write all of your feelings down and make sure you get them all out.. your fears, your anger, your sadness, your frustrations, and your happiness. Let her know in this letter that there is nothing that you can do about the past, but there is a lot you can do now and in the future, and you will do everything you can to show her how much she means to you.
3.) During dinner, tell her you have a letter that you would like to share with her, and then read it outloud.
4.) After your done reading the letter, let her consume what you just said.. don't say anything while she's consuming your words.
5.) After some time has gone by ask her to tell you what is on her mind and listen to what she has to say. Do not judge, do not yell, and do not criticize her for her feelings, and most importantly, do not take her feelings personal..just let her vent.
6.) After she is done venting, have a plan in mind of what you are willing to do to show her that you really intend to make your relationship better.
Note: I want you to keep in mind that if your wife is convinced that you have lied to her throughout your marriage, she will continue to believe these feelings, until you show her otherwise. But, this isn't just about what you have failed to do throughout your marriage, this is about her just as much! There are two people in this relationship!
With my experience, I've found that people lie because they are afraid of how the other person will react to them, so instead of telling the truth and feeling that vulnerability, people try to protect themselves with putting on a "false front."
7.) Once you tell her your plan (e.g., that you want to spend at least 30 minutes of your day communicating with her--telling her what's on your mind and listening to what she has to say), stick to your guns and do it! This relationship needs to be a priority in order for it to work.
Let her know what you need from her in order to make it easier for you to open up to her.
In all, if your wife is willing to make this work, these above tips will get the fire going again; however, if your wife has already decided that it's over, it may be time to move on and learn from your experience.
I know it must be difficult to be separated after 14 years of marriage, but this doesn't mean that your life is over! As a matter of fact, new doors are opening for you, so look at what you can do to make your life better, regardless of whether or not you and your wife get back together.
All my best,
Brandy Shirley, M.A.
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