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John 76 USA

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Feb 15, 2011
 my response to the comment of 13 Feb 2011
by: Anonymous

Hi Anonymous
Thank your for your kind words. It means a great deal when an abused person reads the heartfelt words of a caring person like your self and the many others who have taken the time to respond to what they read, especially on this sort of web site. In order to survive I fought very hard to bury my early childhood all of my life but it has become near impossible to continue doing so.I lived a very angry life having inherited the nasty genes of my parents.I wanted to belong to a loving caring family any one I ever saw was better than the one I had. It was a miracle for me to have stumbled on a fact that I could rid myself of my inherited nasty genes by reducing my very high testosterone I received via the genes of my father. However I found that never having lived as a little boy and having a mother who never even touched me that I can ever recall seems to have bothered me even more than the unbelievable fright caused by my father during those beatings that terrorized me as a little boy. My therapist tells me I needed a mother and never having one in my life has bothered me more. My father I knew was an animal but my mother was never a mother and it turns out bothers me to this day. I should have dealt with my past many years ago but I hated where I came from and who I was and didn't want to deal with it ever. If I had done so then it may have been easier because I could have confronted my parents while they were still alive and gotten some answers but they are gone now and I cant get answers to the many questions. THANK YOU FOR CARING John
Feb 13, 2011
 Dear John.
by: Anonymous

Hi John. Your story is so sad. I wish I could just give you a big hug. It is great that you did not end up repeating your childhood with your own children. It usually ends up happening and the person doesn't even realize it. It's astounding how they could be so mean to their own child! This story is so inspirational. The beatings heal, but your heart never really does.
Nov 24, 2010
 found a way
by: John 76 usa

Hi Kim.
Yes Kim you wont believe just how unbearable it has been for over sixty years living with the anger, the hate the unbelievable drive to show god and the entire world that I am worth it and I will go through anything to survive and get somewhere inspite what was done to me. The beatings from my father I didn't like but could handle but it was my mother who never touched me. I never heard her say she loved me in any way whatsoever. I needed a mother and never had one and after many years I couldn't live with how I felt any more so I said good buy to her some twenty odd years before she died.Sorry to say it was one of the happiest days of my life as an unbelievable burden was lifted from my shoulders. I have loved my family as much or more than you will find but I have been fighting this super anger within myself for ever and cant stand it any more, I hate who I was and posed the question on the web asking, why does a smart, accomplished loving man live such an angry life as I do. The answer that came back over and over suggested the genes I inherited from my parents were causing me to be who they were like it or not. I then asked what I could do about it and the answer came back lower you testosterone.I learned further that the only other option for me was to take estrogen and after many months thinking about the effects of doing that I finally did. I have lowered my testosterone because I loved who I have become for the first time in my life. The anger is totally gone I love everyone and listen to love songs on my car radio all day long. I now love every little child I see especially when shopping in the super market. The only problem is that these hormone drugs are making a woman out of me and that I don't want as that would be a disaster for me and my family. The effects I can hide and so I will live with who I now am with extreme happiness I never had before. I see a therapist every week and that helps me some also.
Thank you all for your help and support its unbelievable great.
John 76 USA
Nov 19, 2010
 hi john!
by: Anonymous

I sit here in tears as I write this to you. The pain and neglect that you suffered at the hands of those that you should have been able to trust sounds, to me, utterly unbearable. The abuse sounds so horrible, and on top of that you have had almost no relationship with any of them for your entire adult life...how awful. I can't imagine the emptiness this must have left you with. I am just so glad that, in spite of the fact that you were never shown the love and togetherness of family when you were young, you have been able to have those things within your own family as an adult. My heart goes out to you... Best wishes! Kim
Sep 28, 2010
 Help
by: lori

I want to just say that you have truley spoken to my heart right to the very depths of my soul i myself was abused and raped but by a stranger im not comfortable yet to share my story but i will one day i hope it bothers me alot still it was when i was 8 years old now i am 20 i am in the us army and i am a military police i deal with these abuses cases all the time and it burns my soul alive i jsut want to take the child out of the situation and just hold them.... its hard for me to go to sleep at night for fear i have nightmares and flashbacks i dont know how to overcome this ive tried over the years but it just wont go away ... help me please
Feb 24, 2010
 This is a common fear..
by: Brandy Shirley, M.A.

Good advice John!!

Being afraid that you'll continue to experience abuse once you've grown up is a common fear among child abuse survivors.

Until the survivor understands what it means to love oneself, it's common to find other people who'll remind them of their abusive past.

Please know, however, that you are not destined to repeat the abuse. Just because you grew up in an abusive household doesn't mean you'll be involved in future abusive relationships. It all really boils down to you and the choices you make for yourself.

My best,
Brandy
Feb 23, 2010
 repetition of the past.
by: John 76 USA

Hi
It is not true an abused person does not have to repeat the past. It happens to people who are unable to separate themselves from the past. If you want a person can go on to do the opposite of what was done to them. You have to decide what people were supposed to do and especially those who were abused should know better. In my opinion those who were abused should know better and they of all people should never allow abuse to take place, by their own hand, or by others. You can and should stop abuse when you see it take place.
Stop abuse.
Feb 23, 2010
 WANT TO HAVE ADVICE
by: YOUNG MOTHER

it is not true if you grow up in a abuse home you will end up like one .please reply
Feb 10, 2010
 Brave
by: Jo

I was very touched by your story, I cannot believe that your parents could be so utterly cruel and I guess your brothers knew no better. Yet despite all you suffered you have clearly gone on to become a loving father yourself and have not perpetuated their behaviour.
I can understand your frustration when people say 'get over it' - they really have no idea.
May God bless you!
Feb 07, 2010
 John 76 USA
by: Judy

What a terrible childhood.

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