Jess, 16, USA

Hello I don't know what to call it abuse, rape or what. When I was seven I was home laying in bed in one of my daddy's t-shirts.

Then, I want to say step brother, but he wasn't my step brother yet, came in the room and shut the door and locked it. He began to talk to me. I don't remember to much I was only seven.

He unbuttoned his pants and told me to touch it. I didn't understand. He told me if he wants to be in our club to do it, that everyone did it, even my older sister. She was about 9 at the time. I didn't want to but some how I did it.

The next day I found out it was a lie. But I didn't know what to say or do. Later that night my sister was in the room when he tried it again. He tricked us into playing truth or dare, getting us to do things to him.

I was uncontrollable with all of it. I looked at him and asked him if a couple of months ago did he grab me when I was sleeping or was I dreaming. Turns out I wasn't dreaming. I was scared to speak out.

These things carried on for a while. It makes me ill when i say that I liked some of it. But when I hit age 9 I felt like what we were doing was very much wrong and I wanted this all to end.

I told him I didn't want to. He walked out and tried to touch my sister when she was sleeping. I tolled him to stop and woke her up and carried her into our room. He freaked.

I turned around and I saw one of my dads boots flying at me. It struck me in the face. I was so terrified. I ran trying to lock him out of the room. He was stronger then I was.

My screaming woke my sister up and she could see the fear on my face. She jumped in front of the door and we held the door shut. When he stopped we locked the door. Then in moments he banged on the door telling us to let him in. He threatened us, telling us we were gonna die. Our father is an alcoholic. He was out all night at the bar with our step mom. They would leave us home alone all night; leave us there not knowing what happened.

That night our cells were dying. We called them up crying and begging them to come home. We were scared our step brother was gonna kill us. They told us they were on there way. They never came home. That night we fell asleep agents the door.

After that night I was terrified to say no to him. If he asked for it I had no choice but to say yes. My sister slept at her friends a lot, not realizing she left me alone with him. Finally at the end of age 11 it all stopped. I was so happy, but I didn't know how to act around anyone.

I began to build up walls, keeping everyone out. I would freak out if a guy even bumped into me. When I was in 7th grade I was dating a guy that only used me. He touched me and I froze I couldn't move. I couldn't speak out I was screaming no but the words never came out.

I feared if I said no he would hit me. Because of my step brother, guys could touch me freely and I was so scarred to say no. I have always wanted to tell someone and talk about it. I use to blame myself. I would cry at night wishing I was stronger.

I use to believe I was worthless. When I turned 14 an old friend of mine hung out with me. The room was dark we began to kiss. He laid me down he was going to go father. I started crying. I whispered no please don't. He herd my cries. He realized I was terrified. He held me close told me he was sorry. He asked me what happened. I told him that I was tricked into doing something when I was seven. He was the first person I told. I felt a little better being able to tell someone.

I just never told someone the full thing. I was afraid they were going to call me a slut or think I was disgusting. It was obvious something was wrong threw those four years, but my father wasn't there to see. Instead of loving me or caring he would tell me how I was a mistake, and make me make him drinks.

How could I tell him what was happening when he didn't care. I was more afraid of my father then any other person. I thought if I told him he would get mad. My father is an angry scary drunk. I didn't want to tell my mom because she worked so hard trying to keep our house and buying us things.

It hurts to think about it everything that's happened, but I finally told my mom what happened her little girls but never told her who. I never seen her cry so much. She told me she was so sorry she couldn't protect us.

Things were quiet. Months went by I was starting to smile and mean it. I found a boyfriend I haven't told him. I don't go near my father or that family anymore. I thought I was finally getting past it all, until I started having nightmares again.

Every night he was in my dreams trying to hurt me again. I would wake up screaming. I would stay up all night crying. I was scarred to sleep. Even now it still happens. When I get flash backs of what happened I'd be with my boyfriend and won't let him touch me. He doesn't understand why.

Because of my step brother I have major trust issues I cant open up to anyone. I keep things bottled up, it hurts to talk about it to even think about it and I wish it never happened.

If it never happened I would be an innocent little girl still. But the thing is if it never happened I wouldn't be who I am today; someone who is strong, but can be weak. Independent but then again afraid to lean on someone.

My childhood is ruined. I am screwed up inside. I can't be alone because it hurts. I fear he will come out of the darkness and take me. My friends and family love me for who I am, but I don't really know who I am. I don't know how to act normal.

My relationship is weird. My mother never speaks of what I told her and it scares me. I don't know what shes thinking or if she even thinks about it.

I know what I wrote was long sorry for that. It's just I needed to get this out. I've never told anyone the full truth or what happened. So this helped in ways. But I still don't know how to live life or if I can truly get past this. If I don't get a reply back I understand.