I still love my mother even though she hurt me

by shelia kim
(Washington, DC)

I was born into a bad situation. When I was born I never knew why I did not grow up with my mother between birth and 5 years old.

To find out my mother had sold me to a madam at birth so I could be raised to be a prostitute at the age of 7. I always called the lady that raised me mama son, before you get a little confused this all took place in Korea where I was born.

My mama son use to beat me for everything from someone scratching my face to me not sitting straight enough. I was finally able to leave her when I had turned 5 years old because my step father made my mother come buy me back when he found out what she had done.

We had moved into the United States when they had me back in their custody and that's when my nightmares really began. My mother began to beat me all the time telling me she didn't love me and wish that I was never born.

She use to force me to eat things that I did not like and if I was to throw up she would force me to eat the throw up and then beat me.

I have never been the bad child always received good grades in school did what I was told at home but nothing was good enough because I was a female and females are not valued as anything in Asian people descent, even though I was now in America it did not change my status as a female.

When I was just about to turn 6 I remember my mother dressing me all up and told me we were going out. I was excited to go out knowing that she acted like a different person out in public. She wasn't the monster that I knew 24 hours around the clock.

So after we got dressed we went over to her girlfriends house. We were all to go out together my mother and I and my mothers friend and her 5 year old daughter.

Everyone grabbed their coat to go but my mother pushed me back into her friends house and said that I would not be going that I would be staying their at her friends house with her friends husband until they came back.

I remember crying because I really wanted to go and I couldn't understand why my mom's friend was taking her daughter and my mother was leaving me but I was soon to find out.

I remember sitting at the piano crying and my mom's friend husband came up behind me and whispered that it would be okay that my mother left me there so he could take care of me.

I began to become a little uncomfortable the way he began to touch me and hold me. I remember him lifting me off the piano bench and carrying me into his bedroom how he laid me down gently and started taking off my clothes.

I remember freezing up and started crying and he said to me if your mom knew you were sitting here crying she would be very upset with you and you might get in trouble.

So I just laid there in tears as he wandered my little undeveloped body with his mouth and hands and finally he was ready to penetrate me.

I remember him climbing on top of me and trying to shove his manhood into me and me screaming in pain, and I don't know how long that situation lasted because I kind of blacked out from all the pain that I was enduring.

But I remember when he was finished doing his business he told me to hurry up and go wash up because what he had just released into my vagina could get me pregnant, which at that age I did not know what that meant but did as I was told.

My mother and her friend came back a few hours later and I was just totally out of it and did not want to be touched. My mother brought me home and I just curled up in my bed in tears and I wanted to tell my mother what happened but she kept telling me she didn't want to hear it and that whatever it was I probably deserved it.

I should of known that she set me up because she always use to make me sit on mens laps and give them kisses which I never truly understood.

The situation between my mother and I became worse. She would send me over to her friends house as much as possible and he would fondle me as many chances as he could and the beatings became more frequent and more violent.

I started to withdrawal, wouldn't speak, wouldn't eat, and wouldn't do basically anything but stayed balled up in my room when she would beat me.

When the police would come I would say things were fine because she always said that if they took her away that when she was free again she would kill me, and I believed her because every time she beat me it felt like she was killing me. I was wishing for death so I the pain would just go away.

My step father started to notice the changes in me and kept asking what was wrong but I couldn't tell him because I didn't want my mother to kill me and say that I was a liar. But as my weight began to deteriorate and I became speechless, my father thought I needed to get away from them for a while and that's when I was sent to live with my stepfather's mother and that had to be the best thing ever to happen to me because she gave me life.

The very first time that I ran into her arms I began to cry. I told her all the bad things that was happening to me while I was living with my mother and she felt bad for me and told my father what my mother was doing to me.

My grandmother vowed that I would never have to live with her again, but I did have to see her when she came to visit and she would still hurt me when nobody was around, like setting my hair on fire and throwing hot wax on me and pulling my hair as she punches me in the face and all for no reason.

I wish I could go into every detail of my life with you but at this moment I can't for I am still fighting my demons and trying to cope, that's why I am currently in the process of writing a book so I hope to hear all insights and comments on my situation.

It hurts just to try to relive the moment just to give you an insight on my childhood. I just wanted people to know that a mother who is suppose to be our nurturer can also be our worst enemy.

I still fight my demons every day and relive my nightmares, but hopefully one day I can truly be healed.