| Gina from the United States writes: From what I remember... This is my story about abuse as a child and adult, facing my past and continuing towards reclaiming the love in myself. Shortly before getting my AVM removed from my brain (which basically is a like a balloon filling up with blood, ready to explode at any time), I recall my father mentioning that I could come out of the surgery mentally retarded or suffer from severe memory loss. However, I told him that I would be fine. There are lapses of memory from trauma in my younger years from the time I was born until the time I was in 5th grade. The abuse was directed at my brother and I, but I was also very aware of the physical, verbal, mental and ambient abuse that was directed towards my mother. He also abused our family pet dog as well, physically and verbally. The day after Christmas my mother told my brother and I to pack our toys, in a hurry. Little did we know that we were going to a Safe home for woman having to escape domestic violence. In my older years, I learned my father made threats to kill her if she left. She went through the divorce process at that time while my narcissist abusive father was fighting for custody, he lost. His anger, rage, frustration was directed towards my brother and I. During visitations, we would sit in the car hearing him vent for hours; cursing, screaming, and taking on the victim mentality. I believed he was a typical psychopath. While my mother was granted sole custody, she struggled with alcohol and substance abuse problems. We moved out with her to another home from our original house from the time that I was in Middle school until 8th grade, as her neglect was getting worse due to substance abuse. Visitations with my father were still filled with verbal and mental abuse. I was told by a family member that he one time went off at me at a family function because I used his napkin by mistake. Long story short, my brother and I really didn't belong in either household, but we went to live with my dad when my mother wasn't capable of taking care of us any longer. My father would make comments to us like; “When you kids are 18 you are out of here!” If we left a closet door open, a drawer, or a dish in the sink, he was up in our face with rage and evil and was quick to push, shove, and slap while spit. It was almost like venom was coming out of his mouth; I was terrified. He spared no remorse in calling me a klutz, telling me how I should speak, micromanaging me, and telling me that the doctors left some screws in my head. Ok, so... I moved out at 19 years old and rented a room. I was making $10 hr, was dating my ex who inevitably cheated on me and while not being severe, did not treat me right. It was 7 months living away from my dad. However, I found myself being naive thinking that if I moved back in to get on my feet, he wouldn't treat me like he did again. I recall the 5 or 6 months living with him again was pure Hell and things escalated. One night he came into my room with a belt and my brother’s room at approx. 2 a.m. out of no where, hitting us in a rage because the back door was unlocked. I had bruises to show, not severe but it doesn't matter. Thank God for the support and encouragement I had from my supervisor. I also went to see a therapist to speak to about the situation. She said I have to get out of my dad’s house! I moved out within a week or so, practically having to beg my grandparents for the deposit. I was able to move out to now what I call my “safe home” at 21. I am almost 27 years old now. The cycle of abuse continued. I wasn’t living at my dad’s house, but he won me back with him being so kind. He bought me groceries and other things. However, he discounted the abuse and discounted my feelings, which once again, lead back to a verbally abusive, semi-controlling relationship. I realized that this is ENOUGH. He would verbally abuse me and get in a rage about me calling something by the wrong name, talk negatively about everyone and anything when we would spend time together, and he persisted with a victim mentality. I wrote him an email to try to salvage our relationship, but throughout the years, I became so run down by abuse. Every time I tried to improve our relationship, he would make me feel like I was crazy for confronting him and make me feel guilty. I would find myself tolerating him again. The feeling of living was filled with helplessness. While I excelled at my career, I found myself in debt, was doing one night stands, and was drinking too much. However, I’m seeing more clearly now and realized that I was being self-destructive because I wasn’t facing the truth of this pain and the severity of the discounted abuse. I made a vow not to discount it any longer. I am now almost 27 years old and its astonishing how much transformation and learning has taken place from this experience so far. While I know it’s a process towards healing, I am now in therapy, severed ties completely with my father since he is dangerous, and I’m growing stronger. Although some days, I admit, are hard, I hope with all my heart and soul that awareness can help others to identify and reclaim yourself in living the life you deserve. My dad’s ex girlfriend would tell me that he hit her. It’s just a terrible thing to go through for anyone, especially a helpless child. The sickest thing is, we were brainwashed as children and as adults or young adults to tolerate the abuse. I'm just blessed for this understanding now; forgiveness will come. I know my father’s childhood must have been very painful. He just doesn't have the capacity for empathy for others, which I have towards breaking the CYCLE of abuse!!!! Xoxo | 
