Forget me not

Hello!
In the past 6 months my life has really changed. I used to have a friend who I loved very much and still do. I should probably specify that I am a female and so is she and we're both 20 years old now.

She was my best friend on earth and I've never met anyone who I would have so much in common with or have such a great time with, whatever it is that we were doing. But we always fought A LOT, and about really stupid things, mostly because I was always jealous of other people that she was hanging out with and I would get really possessive even though we never really even were best friends, only I perceived her as such.

There was one other girl who she got along with just as well as me and she used to say that even though she has many friends she can trust us the most and tell us everything. But even so, that was never enough for me. I wanted her all to myself.

So we would always fight because I didn't like it when she went somewhere with another mutual friend. I didn't have a problem with her going out with the friends I didn't know. I was also always bothered by the fact that she seemed to act differently around me and other close friends than people who were more acquaintances than friends. sShe was a lot nicer to them sometimes and wasn't even aware of it.

The thing you have to understand is that I've always felt some sort of "attraction" towards her, but it was never physical just that feeling of really wanting to be around her and hang out with her and have her feel the same way. But she never did, so we always fought about that. And this went on for 2 or so years.

Then, when we were about 18 years old everybody was starting to experiment and by this I mean that a lot of the girls made out with other girls, so we decided to try it. But then it became like a habit, and we made out almost everytime we were drunk and also a lot of the times when we weren't. And this went on for a month and a half or so and then she started to feel uncomfortable or just didn't want it to go on. But I did.

I think at first I just liked making out with her because it gave me more of her attention and also because we had something that she didn't have with other friends. But then this feeling kind of grew and I started to feel physically attracted to her but I don't think I was in love with her. And then we started fighting because she didn't want to continue doing what we were doing but I wasn't able to stop.

So I think a lot of the times she was sort of guilted into being with me because I was really hurt when she didn't want to. I really have no idea why I felt this way because I can honestly say, I really don't think I'm gay or even bisexual because I'm always attracted to guys, but with her it was something different, something more, like I've never felt before.

But then through the course of about 2 years my feelings subsided a bit, I still really wanted to make out with her but not as desperately as before and we did, just not as often as before. Or maybe it was because I knew that if I backed off a bit she would start to see this as fun again. I really don't know.

But through all of these 4 years the problems we had concerning the possessivness were always there. Sometimes she'd stop talking to me for a month or until I promised to stop causing stupid problems. And I really tried but I'm a very quick tempered person and so I would always blow up and she really hated that. Also because this usually happened when we and 3 of our friends(who we always hung out with) went out to party or just to sit and talk and so gradually the other three started to get really sick of the fighting and especially me, since I was causing it. That is not to say that I never had a justified reason for being mad or holding a grudge against this friend but as the problems were so often it really bothered everybody.

So 6 months ago, we all decided to go to a friend's trailer at the seaside. And I was told beforehand that I can't cause any problems because otherwise I wouldn't be allowed to come along. And of course I said I won't cause any problems, and I really believed it because i really hated myself for being this way and I wanted to stop. But then one night when we were at the seaside me and this friend got into a stupid fight which got a little out of hand because we were all really drunk and so i spent the next two days just lying in the trailer not speaking to anybody because they were all really mad and I didn't think I was the only one to blame for the fight.

But anyway this is how it happened. And then when we got home I didn't speak to any of these friends for about two months and I was really depressed because they were almost the only friends I had. And even though I gradually started speaking to them again after a while, or better said, they started speaking to me again, the one friend who I had the fight with and who I thought of as my best friend, didn't forgive me.

Now it's been six months since that incident and she still hasn't forgiven me and doesn't want to be my friend. I speak to her occasionally on facebook, well not really speak, I apologize and try to explain my actions but she still isn't ready to forgive me. I have gotten really depressed in this time, I cry almost every night and cut myself occasionally and have had suicidal thoughts on various occasions and just can't seem to cheer up. And it's not just because of this friend but also because since we got into that fight I have been excluded from that circle of friends and now I really only have one good friend.

Everything has changed so drastically since that night and it's not getting any easier for me to go on with my life, which I thought it would. The problem is that I still see this friend regularly because we visit the same college and all the people I hang out with now are more or less also her friends. So there's no way I can erase her from my life. And I really don't think I want to. Unless if I could move somewhere far away and not have any contact with any of the people I know now, including my family, but this is really hard to do and I think is really unfair to me or the people who do like me.

The thing is that this friend told me about a month ago that she thinks that someday she'll be able to forgive me and this will all just be a bad memory but currently she can't and she doesn't think she'll be able to do it soon. But every day that goes by it's really hard for me to focus on something else because I just can't stop thinking about her. And it hurts me so much that I can't be a part of her life and don't know what is going on with her.

I've heard from some friends that she has a boyfriend now and this just makes it even harder because she has never had a boyfriend before and it kills me to know that I am missing it. And as if that weren't hard enough I am really jealous and I don't even know if I'm jealous of her because I don't have a boyfriend or I'm jealous of him because he gets to be with her.

Maybe it would be easier if I had someone, but I don't, and I'm not even attracted to anyone because all I think about is her. I really don't know what to do because usually when I felt bad or depressed I would call her and she would make it better but now I can't because I promised to leave her alone till she is ready. I really need some advice on how to stop thinking about her and her boyfriend and not be so jealous and how to be happy again because I haven't been for so long and it just seems like there's no end to this misery.

Please if you have any solution or advice I would really appreciate it because I just don't know where to turn