Ending a Relationship:

Step 5-B from the E-book, "Healing from Your Child Abuse Story Once and For All!"

Either ending a relationship or setting boundaries with your abuser is a must in order for you to have a healthy, loving relationship with yourself.

As long as you continue associating with abusive people, even when the abuser is a parent or another authority figure, you'll continually find yourself in hurtful, demeaning situations.

However, I also believe ending a relationship with an abusive person will improve your self-confidence as well as your ability to attract respectful people into your life.

Although you may be afraid of ending this relationship, the reward of feeling better about yourself is enough to outweigh the fears of loneliness or insecurity.

It’s also important to realize that you do not have to end this relationship suddenly. You can ease yourself into it, going at your own pace, and setting up boundaries in order to feel comfortable and not alone after ending the relationship.

Below you'll find the tips to help you through the process of ending a relationship in a way that is healthy for both you and the abuser.

Tips for Ending a Relationship with an Abuser:

When I say end the relationship, I’m not saying that you should never speak again; although this is an option. However, what I am recommending is that you end the “abuse” aspect of it.

In order to end the abuse, you will have to do three things: recognize how you feel around the abuser, communicate your boundaries, and respect yourself. And here is the step-by-step way to do this:

1. Recognize what your abuser is doing and/or saying that makes you feel unworthy; you do this by paying attention to your feelings. If your feeling upset, angry, sad, criticized, or devalued, for example, that is an indication that the abuser’s verbal and physical behaviors need to stop.
2. You make these behaviors stop by saying, “I don’t appreciate how you are treating me. I ask that you stop doing this.” If the abuser continues to disrespect your wishes, you say it again.. “I don’t appreciate how you are treating me. I ask that you stop!”
3. If the abuser does not respect your feelings after you’ve communicated your needs, it’s time to set some new guidelines.

   This is what you say, “I don’t deserve this kind of treatment and you have failed to respect my requests for you to stop, so I feel it’s best that I go.” If you cannot leave the situation, make it a priority to respect your needs the next time the abuser asks that you associate with him or her. Remember how you felt the last time they disrespected your feelings and ask yourself whether or not you can tolerate being with this person again.

4. If you decide to be around this person again, be cautious of how much you give yourself to the abuser. Do not do things that make you feel uncomfortable and don’t fall “victim” to manipulation, control or guilt used by the abuser. Stand your ground and respect yourself. You have every right to your needs and boundaries, regardless of who the person is such as your mother or father.
5. If you decide on ending a relationship with the abuser, be aware that it will not be easy, especially if the abuser is your mother or father. However, regardless of what they do, they are still your parents, right? They have the right to treat you however they choose to right?

   Wrong! I know Religions teach you to honor your parents-and I am all for that-but only when you feel respected in return.

   I’m a big believer in creating a family that you have close connections with as well as respect for. Just because this person is family doesn’t mean that you have to have a relationship with this person.

   You can be respectful even when that person is not; but the abuser does not have to be a priority in your life. You are the one who is control of who you will associate with! You are the manager of your own life! Create the family you have always wanted by choosing people-they don't have to be family members-that you feel connected to.

After you have made your decision to end the relationship, what do you do when the abuser wants to make amends?

1. Accept his or her apologies
2. Make a conscious decision whether or not you want to reenter this relationship and take your time considering.
3. Trust your gut and conscious first- remember this isn’t about pleasing the other person; it’s about trusting yourself and choosing what’s best for you!

Step 6-A:Assertively Expressing Yourself to an Abuser
Step 6-B:How to Write a Letter to the Abuser

Return from Ending a Relationship to the Beginning of the Child Abuse E-book