Diane 44 USA

by Diane
(Ottumwa, IA 52501)

I really don't know where to begin but I feel a strong need to say something and I am not even sure it was abuse, but I am pretty sure is wasn't a normal upbringing.

I was born into a kind of Brady bunch family...my Mom had been married before and had my 2 older brothers and a sister. After she met my Dad, he adopted them and then they had my twin sister and I and my little sister.

We, younger kids, had no idea that the older kids were adopted and found out when doing a family tree project for school. Knowledge of the adoption had no negative affect on our relationship with our older siblings but we couldn't understand why Dad told us not to let our Mom know that we knew. He said it would upset her and told us never to say anything to her and left it at that.

As a child my twin and younger sister would blame me if our parents argued. I remember one time, my parents were fighting over something and that night when I went to bed I found a note under my pillow saying that it was my fault they were fighting and that they might get divorced because of what I had done. I hadn't done anything other than being a normal kid. Many times they would goad me into things and then when I would get mad or upset they would claim they hadn't done anything. My parents would take their side and I would get sent to my room where I would turn on my music and lay on my bed and cry.

When I was in fifth and sixth grade my Mom would buy me "husky" jeans and smock tops because she said I was too heavy. I was 5'2" tall and large chested.

All through high school my Mom would tell me I needed to lose some weight. One time I was gone on a week long school trip and when I returned the only thing my Mom commented on was the fact that it looked like I had lost some weight. When in actuality it was the second day of wearing a pair of jeans and they were looser on me than normal. I didn't say anything to my Mom but I remember thinking that she was pretty stupid for not knowing that.

In high school, I weighed 128-130 pounds and for me that was right in the middle of the normal range for someone my height. Yet, she was always on me to lose weight. She would tell me that if I lost weight I would be more involved in school activities. I played flute in the marching band, concert band, was a member of several clubs and an officer in a few of them. So, to say that her comments were contradicting would be an understatement.

While in high school, my twin sister had a boyfriend who drove his own car and would take her home from school. My parents asked her and her boyfriend to give me a ride home after school on really bad weather days, since it was a half hour trip on foot. Instead, she would go to her locker (right next to mine)during the 2:10 passing time and then not go back after school to meet me.

When I would go outside to find them in the agreed meeting place they were already gone and they would tell my parents that they had waited and that I took too long to come outside.I was usually outside during the time time frame that was agreed to. She never got in trouble for failing to bring me home. But I would get in trouble for not being home on time after school when both of my sisters managed to get a ride home.My little sister claimed that there were too many people in her friends car already that's why they didn't offer me a ride.

During high school my sisters had after school jobs and I only worked on weekends babysitting but I made more money than they did and enjoyed my job! We also had weekly chores to do but somehow they didn't have time to complete them so I took it upon myself to do them so that no one would get in trouble.

Once Dad figured out what was going on, he sat all three of us younger kids down(the older ones had all moved out by this time) and explained that he didn't want the "Cinderella" syndrome going on and told us that we all had to pitch in! My sisters ignored him and I still ended up doing much of the work.

Needless to say my self esteem was quite low and I learned that just being quiet and putting up with things was easier and I wouldn't hurt as much or be in as much trouble.

Later, at the age of nineteen,I ended up marrying a man who wasn't a good choice. It took me several years and the friendship of a wonderful friend to figure out that he was verbally abusive and that my self esteem was even farther down in the dumps. I had gained weight and kind of became a hermit. I had to do something for me and my daughters. Luckily, he found a girlfriend.

After he left me and moved in with his girlfriend, he suggested that "this" was just a wild hair up his ass and asked if he could have six months to figure out what he wanted. I agreed but told him that at the end of that time I would also have come to a decision. Long story, short, he kept trying to extend that time and I told him no that he had six months.

In the end, he wouldn't make a decision and I told him that his lack of a decision was in itself a decision. So I moved out of our house, divorced him and moved on with my life.

I don't know, if this was abuse but I sure lived a majority of my life wondering what I was always doing wrong, being intensely shy and doing whatever it took to be invisible to my parents and everyone else.

Since my divorce, I raised my two daughters to be independent, self confident, self reliant women. I finished college and am working as a substitute teacher. I am still a work in progress and maybe letting other people know what happened to me that it won't happen to them.