Dealing with Anger

Step 2-A from "Healing from Your Child Abuse Story Once and For All!"

Dealing with anger from your child abuse experience is often the most challenging hurdle. Overcoming my anger toward my mother was a big struggle. I wanted to punish her with my resentment and anger. I thought if I was always mad at her, she would finally get the hint and correct what she had done. My anger was my protection, or in other words, my shield from letting her hurt me more.

I didn’t realize that the anger was poisoning my well-being. I didn’t realize that the longer I was angry, the longer the relationship suffered. However, the problem was, I didn’t know how to deal with my anger. I often questioned how I could possibly let go of my anger without feeling vulnerable.

In time, however, I’ve grown in wisdom and have learned the benefits of dealing with anger and how letting go of this nasty emotion can improve relationships dramatically. Vulnerability isn’t that bad, actually it’s a very humbling experience. It frees you and lets you focus on improving the present rather than continually focusing on the past.

You may be saying, “Well dealing with anger is not my thing right now. I have the right to be angry and I’m going to be angry at my mother, father, brother, uncle, or whoever until I get an apology!”

Yes, I know how you feel! However, you may never get an apology, so you may be angry for the rest of your life. The problem with this is, the longer you’re angry, the longer you’ll miss out on opportunities that are healing for your soul. In other words, your past will always be your present. Thus, you’ll always be unhappy, hurt, damaged, victimized, and resentful. Don’t let this be you.

Or like Mona’s experience, she was able to recognize what anger was doing to her, but she didn’t know how to handle the fact that her anger kept coming back.

Here are some tips for dealing with anger when it comes back to you, which it will, and when it does, the anger is usually about something else (not about your childhood). However, many times there will be triggers in your relationships or experiences that will bring you back to your past, and when that happens here are the tips..

Dealing with Anger Guidelines

Face the incident that is causing your anger

Become aware of what is causing your anger. Do you get angry when you're around the one who hurt you? Do you get angry when a loved one fails to acknowledge the abuse? Do you get angry that your loved one continues to choose the same choices? Do you get angry that your loved one doesn't communicate with you or that this person puts you down in some way?

These are all questions you need to ask yourself when you're feeling angry about something, otherwise, the anger will continue to show up. If you don't take the time to discover the cause of your anger, you'll never know how to fix it! If you need help with this, don't be afraid to ask someone who may know what triggers your anger.

Ask what it will take to no longer be angry

This is an important question when dealing with anger. Instead of focusing on your anger, try focusing on what you can do to get rid of the anger!

The way you do this is by trying something you have never done before such as "facing the cause of your anger" or you can take some "you" time to get reacquainted with the past. Whatever the case, you are the main person to know what it will take for you to no longer be angry.

Talk to your higher power; gain trust.

This tip is essential for dealing with anger. Often times emotions can overtake one's life leaving a person feeling lost in this world. However, once you give yourself permission to build a relationship with a higher power, you'll begin noticing changes. You'll want to live a life of freedom, love, and happiness.

However, as I mentioned above, vulnerability can be a very difficult issue to face, which is what you'll experience when building a relationship with God. But, as I found out, vulnerability is a very humble experience, and when you choose to let a higher power help you in some way, you're allowing great exposure to your true self.

In other words, exposing your insecurities is like laying on a nude beach for the first time. It feels awkward and uncomfortable at first, but once you get use to the idea of not hiding behind clothing, you begin recognizing the freedom of not having anything weigh you down. What I'm trying to get at is, when you build trust and give the heavy burdens like dealing with anger to a higher power, you'll begin feeling free once and for all.

Gain a new kind of understanding of the past. Take on a new perspective

The only harm you're causing by staying angry at the ones who hurt you is the harm you're inflicting on yourself! And the main reason one chooses to stay angry about the past is because he or she views the past as a negative experience; abused + sadness + lack of control=ANGER!

When one is in a situation where he or she is constantly hurt in some way, and this person feels there is no control over the event, you can guarantee there will be some anger involved; if not anger then depression and sometimes there is a little of both.

When dealing with anger, one needs to get past the abused + sadness + lack of control stage and change it to...part of your experience + choice + growth = control over my destiny.

If you choose to look at your childhood as a part of your "experience" in this world rather than the whole experience, you'll automatically grow from that choice and you'll regain control over you life, which will leave you free from anger.

Let the anger go. It no longer is a part of you.

In the end, dealing with anger can be a thing of the past. Yes, you may have your bouts with it here and there, but it will never be like it was for you, that is, your anger will not control you, you'll control it.

No longer will the fact that your mother or father abused you continue to consume your life. No longer will the fact that your neighbor left emotional and mental scares keep you from living a joyful, thankful life. You are the one in charge here! You are the one who is in control of your life, no one else! It's okay to be angry, just don't let it be forever!

Don't listen to the negativity of others.

Many times other people make it difficult when dealing with anger. Every person has his or her own perspective of how they feel that you should deal with circumstances. I hear things like this all the time... "He should get the death penalty for what he did!" "You shouldn't have been put in that situation." Now, I'm not judging these comments, but I am making an observation that many times other loved ones or acquaintances will automatically see the bad in your circumstances, which often leads to feeling worse about the situation than you did before.

It's very difficult for people to see the wisdom in the events that have occurred in someone's life, especially if the event is child abuse. If you choose to listen to these negative perspectives, you'll find yourself getting more and more angry. In the end, however, trust yourself and know that the negative perspectives of others is not always the truth!

You have just read Step 2-A: Dealing with Anger from Step 2 of Coping with Emotions from the e-book "Healing from Your Child Abuse Story Once and For All." Below you'll find the continuation of Step 2..

Step 2-B: How to Deal with the Denial and Blame Left Over from Your Child Abuse Story.
Step 2-C: How to Deal with the Guilt and Shame Left Over from Your Child Abuse Story.
Step 2-D: How to End the Cycle of Self-Mutilation
Step 2-E: How to End the Cycle of Suicidal Intentions

Return from Dealing with Anger to the Beginning of the E-book