Comments for Bronwen, 26, South Africa

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Bronwen, 26, South Africa

Jan 19, 2009

Romantic feelings for a friend
by: Bronwen

Hi Brandy,
Thank you for responding.

In my heart I want something more, but it's also hurting because I know it cannot be. The friendship will not blossom into anything more. This I know to be true. It's not me, he wants. My days of false hope are over with. He can't be more than friends. He can't "commit" to something with potential long term romance. He ended a long term relationship in 2005 after a little more than 3 years. He admits to having been in love with her. My gut tells me he's not completely healed. He's been involved with several others girls since, briefly and nothing significant.

We do talk about things. I am painfully shy, reserved, and soft spoken. He is the opposite. These are things that are off putting to guys out there. It makes them uncomfortable around me because they don't know how to relate to me. It is in my nature, but I am working on it, so that I can be more like the woman I want to be. My inexperience also seems to show as a "negative vibe" and that is too uncomfortable and placing pressure (unintentianally / without being consciously aware)where there shouldn't be. My friend and I have already discussed this a little.

I realise I need to work and focus a little more on building my self esteem. I saw this friend last night for a movie. It was a mistake to see him. It was painful. And I don't know how much of that I was able to hide. If anything he sensed my being uncomfortable. I couldn't hug him goodbye at the end of the evening as we usually do. I was afraid to be near him. I was afraid I wouldn't let go.

He is going away for work purposes for the next month 1/2. I plan to use this time to "keep my distance" too. I need it to save the friendship. Since I've never truly explored these kinds of feeling before, I have no real understanding of them, other than a suffocating pain in my chest.

I don't think I could ever tell him how I feel. We could only be friends, good friends / people that stay in touch every once in a while. I don't want that. I want to be able to see him without fear, butterflies, nervousness (so much so that I can barely eat when I'm around him)or even catch myself looking into his green eyes, his beautiful hands or lips and wanting to experience an affection I've never learned to reciprocate, explore or discover. It's not fair of me to be wanting these things. It's not fair to him. It's not fair to myself. I just wish I'd dealt with this a year ago, when the first sign of trouble was the pathway I aimlessly ambled down, thinking it was just attraction and as the friendship grew, it would go away.

Again, thank you for your thoughts and advice. I appreciate it so much, since it's difficult to talk to anyone (at all) about these kinds of things. And the person I'm most comfortable talking to, is the person I shouldn't be.

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Jan 19, 2009
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Submitted by: Bronwen

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Comment
Hi Brandy, Thank you for responding. In my heart I want something more, but it's also hurting because I know it cannot be. The friendship will not blossom into anything more. This I know to be true. It's not me, he wants. My days of false hope are over with. He can't be more than friends. He can't "commit" to something with potential long term romance. He ended a long term relationship in 2005 after a little more than 3 years. He admits to having been in love with her. My gut tells me he's not completely healed. He's been involved with several others girls since, briefly and nothing significant. We do talk about things. I am painfully shy, reserved, and soft spoken. He is the opposite. These are things that are off putting to guys out there. It makes them uncomfortable around me because they don't know how to relate to me. It is in my nature, but I am working on it, so that I can be more like the woman I want to be. My inexperience also seems to show as a "negative vibe" and that is too uncomfortable and placing pressure (unintentianally / without being consciously aware)where there shouldn't be. My friend and I have already discussed this a little. I realise I need to work and focus a little more on building my self esteem. I saw this friend last night for a movie. It was a mistake to see him. It was painful. And I don't know how much of that I was able to hide. If anything he sensed my being uncomfortable. I couldn't hug him goodbye at the end of the evening as we usually do. I was afraid to be near him. I was afraid I wouldn't let go. He is going away for work purposes for the next month 1/2. I plan to use this time to "keep my distance" too. I need it to save the friendship. Since I've never truly explored these kinds of feeling before, I have no real understanding of them, other than a suffocating pain in my chest. I don't think I could ever tell him how I feel. We could only be friends, good friends / people that stay in touch every once in a while. I don't want that. I want to be able to see him without fear, butterflies, nervousness (so much so that I can barely eat when I'm around him)or even catch myself looking into his green eyes, his beautiful hands or lips and wanting to experience an affection I've never learned to reciprocate, explore or discover. It's not fair of me to be wanting these things. It's not fair to him. It's not fair to myself. I just wish I'd dealt with this a year ago, when the first sign of trouble was the pathway I aimlessly ambled down, thinking it was just attraction and as the friendship grew, it would go away. Again, thank you for your thoughts and advice. I appreciate it so much, since it's difficult to talk to anyone (at all) about these kinds of things. And the person I'm most comfortable talking to, is the person I shouldn't be.

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Jan 18, 2009

Treasure the friendship
by: Brandy Shirley, M.A.

Bronwen,

Hello and thanks for taking the time to write. It sounds like you've made a wonderful friendship out of this relationship. I know that you are wanting something more from this, but who is to say that the friendship will not blossom into something else.

I'm not trying to give you false hope, but I am trying to say that it's important to just enjoy what you have right now. In the meantime, focus on building your self-esteem and maybe ask your friend for a male perspective on "why" he just wants to be friends.

Maybe his perspective can help you understand why "romantic relationships" have been difficult.

My advice is to continue being friends, but let your focus on him dissipate as you put more focus on building your self-esteem.

Do allow yourself the opportunity to tell him how you feel, and after that, if he still only wants to be friends, you'll have the answer you need so you can move forward.

My best,

Brandy Shirley