Ann, 29, UK

by Ann Louise
(UK)

It has been fourteen years now. Fourteen years since I was abused.

I was working in a pantomime group as a stage hand. I came from a poor background and only had one true friend.

Everyone else bullied me and put me down. I didn't have a good relationship with my parents either. In fact, my family was falling apart at the seams. The drama club was the one thing that I had in my life which made me happy. It was the one thing I could look forward to, where I was in a group of people who didn't bully me. I loved singing, and acting and my confidence started to grow.

After a few months I tried to get a place on stage, acting, but as I had not been there long they wanted to give the places to other kids who had been there for a while. They said that to get a taste of how the stage was run, etc, I could help back stage and I should audition for the next show. I arrived at the theatre, all bright eyed and bushy tailed. So happy that I was involved. The show was held over a weekend and I stayed at my true friend's house, she was helping backstage with me.

The first day I met my abuser I could see him staring at me in a lustful way. I pretended to ignore it and tried to put it to the back of my mind. But as the day went on he started pawing at me and blocking doors as I was going through them, that kind of thing. I tried to avoid him but it was difficult.

After the show I discovered that I had lost my bike lock key. As everyone was busy getting things packed up and taking off their make up, etc, I went hunting to find them. The lights were off on the stage and it was quite dark. I noticed the abuser was out of the building in the garden, so I quickly dashed back in to have a look for my keys before he came back inside.

I was on my hands and knees, fumbling about madly, trying to find them. I could feel myself sweating with fear because there was such a big area to cover and I wanted to finish my search as quickly as possible, to avoid the abuser.

I had been scrambling about for only a minute or two when I heard him walk on the set. I jumped to my feet immediately and whirled round to get back with the others but he stopped me. He flung his arm out and threw me over a sofa, (one of the props). I landed behind the sofa with him on top off me.

I tried to scream but he covered my mouth and pressed himself harder against me, preventing me from moving. He whispered evil things into my ear. My whole body felt as though I had been dunked into a bath of ice. I felt panic stricken and sick and violated. He tried to get his hand inside of me, but he was struggling to hold me down. Then I heard someone walking up the corridor. They were heading towards us. I would be safe. The abuser jumped up, leaving me dazed and reeling on the floor, out of sight behind the sofa. The abuser mentioned something about helping me to find my keys and walked off.

I thought that would be the end of it. That night at my friend's house I spoke about it with my friend and she told me to tell someone. I thought it would be easier to forget about it and keep out of the abuser's way rather than face up to things.

I had not found my keys and decided to look for them before the show the next day. Unfortunately, my friend's parents were running late so I didn't have time. I set about helping backstage and my abuser dragged me to the floor and tried to pull my jeans down. I screamed and one of the adults came in and started shouting at me, having a go at me. Yes ME! NOT HIM! moaning about how the people in the audience could hear me and how unprofessional it was and all that. I tried to explain but she wouldn't hear it. She wasn't interested and thought I was just messing about! My abuser smirked at me and said that nobody would believe a thing I said if I told them, and then he laughed and walked off.

After the show I checked the area before lights out and went into the garden to look for my keys. I asked my friend to keep an eye out, and if the abuser came down into the garden she should follow him. I started searching and indeed my abuser did follow me. I looked for my friend, but cunningly, the abuser had got my friend to run an errand before making his way to the garden.

My abuser stormed up to me and dragged me to a group of trees, out of the view of the others, who were standing outside the building. Then the attack began. It was full on, nasty, and violating. He was just about to finish off what he had started, when my friend came down to the garden, shouting my name as she walked up. My abuser threatened me, saying that nobody would believe me, that I would get thrown out of the drama club, that he would come and get me if I told anyone. Then he jumped off me and walked away up the path. My friend saw me get up and she kept apologizing over and over again for not being able to follow him straight away. She had run her errand and had gone down to the garden as quickly as she could. Luckily, in the nick of time. I ran to the girls toilets and just wanted to scream and cry. I was so angry and upset. So many emotions, boiling up inside of me. I didn't want to talk to anyone. I just wanted to be on my own.

I went into the ladies changing room and saw the abuser's wife taking off her make up. I couldn't tell her, I didn't want to ruin her life as well as my own. I forced a smile and ran to the toilet, locked the door, and sobbed silently. It took me a long time to tell anyone other than my friend. I confided in my boyfriend and he convinced me to tell my mum. It was such a relief to get it out in the open.

My friend and I would sit in the music room in school, at lunch time, so I could confide in her. At this time the case was going through the courts. Kids at school heard from people at the drama group that I had tried it on with the abuser, he had refused and I was seeking revenge. I was also, (in the bully's eyes), doing it for attention and a sympathy vote too. So, not surprisingly, a few weeks before Christmas my abuser was cleared of all charges. My Mum was in the process of leaving my Dad at that time too, so it was really stressful for me.

The bullying at school got worse and my name got dragged through the mud. Everyone thought I was a liar and a trouble stirrer and it became too much to take. I would sleep with a knife under my pillow at night, petrified that my abuser would carry out his threat. Then one day I turned the knife on myself, but was stopped by my boyfriend.

When I was 19, a supposed friend of mine offered me a lift home from the pub. I accepted his offer, but he didn't drive me to my house. Instead he took me into the middle of nowhere, to a lake, where he threatened to kill me before raping me. I had evidence a plenty. There was no way he'd have gotten away with it if I had told someone. But I didn't tell anyone. I had no faith in the justice system and I simply couldn't bring myself to go through all that again.

Now my life is good. Time has healed old wounds. I have a wonderful partner, two smashing sons and have moved on. I forgave my supposed friend, because it later transpired that he was of unsound mind. But if he was of sound of mind, (like the abuser when I was 15), then I could never have forgiven him. Forgiveness helped me to move on from that, but the initial abuse has been something I am unable to forgive, even to this day.

About a year after I was abused, I learned from another member of the drama group, that the abuser had continued abusing, (at least one other girl at the drama group, aged 12). This other girl was scared that nobody would believe her either, and she worried that she too would get bullied for it, if she spoke out against him. However, had she have spoken up, then he would probably have been prosecuted for it.

If you have been abused, the chances are quite high that you are not the first or the last victim of that abuser, which is why it is so important to speak out. It didn't work for me, but I am pretty sure he would have got prosecuted the second time round, if only the 12 year old has spoken out.

Speak out and protect others!

Speak out and defend yourself!


Ann,

I'm so proud of you for speaking out when you did! It's unfortunate that the justice system failed to see the truth.

The best thing one can do to protect themselves is to trust one's intuition, defend yourself (I highly recommend self-defense--it can be a life saver-carry mace and take a class!), and tell someone over and over again until others believe you! The ones who often do not believe you are blinded by their own perception/beliefs.

To me, Ann, you appear to be a very insightful and intelligent lady. And because of this, you can teach others a lot from your experience--what not to do and what to do--heck you could even make a movie about it! I believe there are several other women and men who can relate to your feelings.

As for your school peers bullying you, look at their actions as inspiration to do better for others rather than letting their word determine your future.

I'm glad to hear that you have found a respectful husband and that you're fulfilled with your life. Keep going that direction and your wounds will continue to heal. As I've said before, forgiveness is a choice that only you can make when you're ready to make it!

With love,