Understanding Your Abusive Parents and Others Who Have Hurt You

Step 3 from "Healing From Your Child Abuse Story Once and For All!"

Underneath all the lies, the pain, and the behavior, are abusive parents who also want to be loved for who they are and who they want to become.

However, abusive parents have never fully understood how to get to the freedom and happiness they desire. And instead of learning appropriate, healthy behaviors, they decided to believe the lies that were instilled into them when they were children. It’s not that your parent/s want to hurt you, it’s just that they are afraid to “truly” love you because they don’t know how that feels or what it is.

Understanding where your parents have come from or why they are so destructive with themselves and others can be eye opening experience. However, keep this in mind, just because your parents were mentally, verbally, physically, or sexually abused as a child, doesn’t give them the right to continue the abuse with you! Understanding someone’s past is different from allowing the abuse to continue (more on that later!)

In other words, understanding your parents says, “I value your past and respect what you have gone through.” This opens doors for improving your relationship because I can bet that your parent has never heard that before. Give them a taste of what love is all about. Don’t play the game of lies, anger, and resentment. Instead, respect yourself and your parents by giving unconditional love. And unconditional love is all about respecting yourself enough, “first,” in order to give the same respect to another.

On the other hand, many times we react negatively to abusive parents, and although you’re entitled to be angry, the anger usually works against you. It’s important to get to a point in your life where you no longer focus on “being abused,” and instead focus on “Who am I Now? and how can I use what I’ve learned from the past and apply it to better myself and others?

But before you learn how to understand your abusive parents, or the ones who have hurt you, you need to make a choice whether or not you’re ready for that. You will not open your mind to the idea unless you’re ready. So, in the meantime, while you’re debating, read further to help you understand your abuser.

Why did they do this to me?

Here are my “personal” beliefs:

• The abuser had difficulty controlling his/her emotions, stress, and behaviors (i.e., acts on impulse and is unclear about effective decision making skills).
• The abuser set unreasonable expectations.
• The abuser never learned the difference between unhealthy vs. healthy boundaries.
• He or she experienced abuse as a child.
• The abuser had low self-worth.
• He or she was using alcohol or drugs.
• This person failed to put themselves into “your shoes." In other words, the abuser was selfish with his desires, wants, and needs and didn't think about the effects of his or her actions.
• The intimate, sexual, and personal relationship between the “abuser” and his or her significant other was strained and unhealthy.
• There was a lack of healthy communication within the family.

Is it my fault? How to understand why you feel responsible.

Many times it feels like you had something to do with the abuse; however, this is not the case. Although you were apart of the equation, you were a part of it against your will. The reason it often feels like it’s your fault is because the abuser blamed you for the encounter or you blame yourself because you felt that you could have stopped it.

Here are some reasons why you may have been unable to stop the abuse:

• You were too young to know the difference between unhealthy vs. healthy behavior (i.e., confused with what was right and wrong) so the abuse came across as normal or as the way of living.
• You were threatened
• You were isolated
• No one believed you
• You didn’t have the right resources to help you stop the abuse
• You were protecting your siblings.
• You were scared

Whatever the reason, it’s important to become aware that it was not your fault, and it’s important to tell yourself this over and over and over again until it feels like the truth.

Abusive parents or other abusive people will often blame you or make it seem like it’s your fault because he or she is afraid to take responsibility for their behavior. Deep down, the abuser knows what he or she is doing and is aware that it is wrong and inappropriate; however, the abuser often fails to listen to that inner voice. In addition, the abuser is often selfish with his or her wants and is manipulative in order to get what he or she needs.

Overall, the reason I want you to understand your abusive parents is because there are true benefits to this way of thinking. Understanding your parents, or others who have been abusive in your life, allows you the opportunity to never take your abuser's behavior personal, that is, never again taking accountability for your abuser's actions!

Step 3-A: Understanding the Verbal Abuse
Step 3-B: Understanding the Mental and Emotional Abuse
Step 3-C: Understanding the Physical Abuse
Step 3-D: Understanding the Sexual Abuse
Step 3-E: Understanding an Alcoholic, Neglectful, and/or Mentally Ill Parent
Step 3-F: Understanding Why You May Never Get the Abuser's Approval

Return from Abusive Parents to the Beginning of the E-book