AA's Child Abuse Story

AA from the United States writes: I was sexually, verbally, and emotionally abused by my stepfather from the age of 6 until about 12-13. I never spoke a word about it and I thought I put it away where it was never going to be thought of again, but as I got older, maybe in my mid 20's, my emotions starting getting all out of whack, anger poked its head out, and my reactions to a lot of things were all wrong. I blame it all on my anger. Once, my brother and I got into a fight and I yelled at him" at least my dad isn’t a child molester" Everyone froze and never really said anything about it. But it truly bothers me that no one wants to admit it happened. My sister and brother still visit him and act like he’s their "daddy" while here I am with my life crushed and so messed up. No loyalty to me, their sister. So again, anger. I am on autopilot a lot of the time. I have been through two bad marriages, which ended in domestic violence and restraining orders. I have terribly low self-esteem, others see me one way and I do not. I feel like a failure. Until... Someone found me, someone who treats me so well, respects me, takes care of me and my children he loves me, loves my kids and I can truly say that if anything every happened and I lost him, I would be heartbroken. What I worry about is: due to my bad childhood, which bled into my adulthood, I will mess this up. I need some help. I need some counseling; I need something to stop my self-destructive cycle.

Hello AA,

There are so many ways that people attempt to cope with the abuse they endured as a child; with avoidance being one of them. However, the amazing thing about emotions is; your true feelings always pop up sooner or later, sometimes these emotions are expected, whereas other times these feelings come out of no where.

With what I’ve seen as a mental health therapist, when someone hides from their true emotions, they experience severe mood swings (i.e., happy one minute, sad the next, angry the next minute, depressed another). However, once this person gets to the root of his or her true feelings, and faces their issues, they begin noticing that their mood becomes stable.

It’s not uncommon to feel as if one is going to “mess up” their future based on what happened in the past. However, the important thing to remember here is this; your stepfather made those inappropriate decisions to violate your boundaries; you were too young to really understand the differences between unhealthy and healthy boundaries, especially if the one who was “suppose” to be teaching you the difference between wrong and right was the one abusing you. The only way you’ll mess up your future, based on the past is,

The best thing that you can do for yourself today is: get yourself in counseling (as you suggested), start facing your true feelings (i.e., write in a journal), and the ultimate plus the hardest; face the abuser with your honesty (i.e., either through a letter or face to face, but definitely address this with your counselor first so you can understand the emotions that you may face..)

The longer you hold these emotions in, the longer it will take for you to fully enjoy yourself. You have the right to be heard and taken seriously from your family. If your family does not respond the way you hope, which sounds like that may be the case, let it be and tell yourself that this isn’t about them, it’s about you; it’s about what you need to do (in a healthy, assertive way) in order to live a life of self-love and acceptance.

With Love,

If you would like to comment on AA's story, please post your comment below and I will post the comment on her page. Only encouraging, inspiring, and "been there-understanding" messages are accepted.

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